Speak Softly and Carry the Biggest Stick
by JockoHomo
Summary: An interesting encounter between Khan Noonien Singh and Harry Mudd turns out far more awkward than expected.


Disclaimer: This story is a parody of another fanfic titled "The Biggest Stick". I don't recall the author's name, so if you happen to _be_ the author, send me a message and I'll slap your name up here as credit. (and of course if you prefer not to have your work parodied, I can take it down at your request. I mean no disrespect by this of cource, just immature jest!) -OZ

"Speak Softly and Carry the Biggest Stick"

Khan Noonien Singh was relaxing at his desk reading a copy of Moby Dick with his favorite Star Wars novel hidden behind it. He awaited the visit of a particular individual that his followers had come across out in the vast desert of Ceti Alpha V.

At this point, the door opened and a rather large, jovial looking man with a fantastic mustache swaggered in. Khan rose and approached, surveying this new visitor intently.

"Salutations, my good sir!" the man exclaimed. "You must be Mr. Khan! Allow me to introduce myself! I am Harcourt Fenton Mudd! You can call me Harry, of course. Forgive my for intruding into your fine territory here, but the loo on my ship was broken and I needed to 'drop the kids off at swimming practice' if you know what I mean."

Khan pursed his lips in disgust and asked,

"Mr. Mudd, would you mind telling me what has brought you to this planet, as well as where you where previously?"

Harry laughed fondly. "Oh, I've been here, there, everywhere really! I just look for life, laughs, and lovely ladies across the galaxy! I just got back from a whole planet full of them don't'cha know! Yes, ol' Mudd sure is popular with the ladies!"

Khan raised his eyebrows cynically. "Are you really that good with women?" Harry scoffed. "Of course I am! What, are you saying that your better?" Khan smiled coolly and declared with pride,

"There isn't a woman in the galaxy who can resist me."

"HA! That's quite a large statement, m'boy!"

"That's not all that's large." Khan gloated.

"OH, HO, HO! I see what you're playing at, sir! Size isn't everything, you know!" Harry laughed, shaking his finger at the arrogant tyrant. "Just because you've got a few extra inches to your name doesn't mean the ladies are gonna go for ya!" Khan grinned venomously.

"A few little inches is an understatement, Mr. Mudd."

"OOH, really? Not to sound terribly gay or anything old chap, but would you care to show me this illustrious member?"

"Don't mind if I do." Khan declared as he began to pull down his pants and underwear. Harry folded his arms saying,

"Let's see how big this thing really-OH JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST"

Khan stood proudly with his pants around his ankles, smiling arrogantly. "Well, Harry? How's this for a few extra inches?"

Harry was totally dumbstruck. "Few extra inches? If that's a few extra inches, I must be using the metric system! Good God, sir! That is the most preposterously proportioned penis I have ever placed these peepers on, mark my word! That is the most-how exactly does that monstrosity not throw you off balance? I mean, really! I don't see you can even get an erection with a thing like that! It would be like when you hang upside down and all the blood rushes to your head, but in this case no one is upside down and we're talking about an entirely different head in this situation!"

"Then you agree that I am better?" Khan jeered.

"Pardon my saying so Khan, but how on earth is it possible to bang a broad with such a bafflingly beefy boner? Just because you're hung like a prehistoric reptile doesn't make you better with women! As soon as you put the thing in-RIPPP! Surprise episiotomy!"

Khan smiled and laughed. "It is true that my prodigious size may be too much for a woman at first, but it's nothing that they can't get used to! Besides, a pair of soft, warm hands does the trick as well!"

Harry put his hands up and took a few disturbed steps back.

"A pair of- My word, sir! You would need some bloody large hands in order to wrangle that…that…creature from the movie with Kevin Bacon and the giant worms!"

Khan snickered as he said

"I get a bit bigger when I'm hard, you know. This isn't the best I can do!"

The mustached man nearly stumbled over in shock, barely managing to say "HOLY SHATNER! Next you're going to tell me that you can pick up peanuts with it! You know what, sir? I think I'll just leave you and your giant Johnson to your own devices and get off this planet! Yep, I'm getting the hell out of here, never to look at a kielbasa the same way again! Good day to you sir, Mr. Khak- I mean Khan!"

Harry Mudd sped out as fast as he could, hoping that he had some alcohol on his ship. Khan, seeing no reason to detain him, remained behind and laughed with pride. Then Khan's young second in command, Joachim, hurried in. "My Lord, the man we brought here is escaping, do you wa-"

"Khan, why are your pants down?"


End file.
